Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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