And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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