I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I don't deserve a penis
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
