1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
