watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Alive.
So much puke
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
