I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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