Just fell off a train. Bad.
My hand turned me down
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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