Michael Bay diarrhea
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
