I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
