Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
