In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
