420 ftw
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
