also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
