a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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