me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
