I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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