so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
