Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
