I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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