Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
