Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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