Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
