After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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