i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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