you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
