Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
