There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
