there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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