i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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