I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If I die, sorry about rent.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
