Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
