Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
3 2 1 whiskey
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
