Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
