So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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