i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
