dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
