I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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