Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
