I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think a kid would responsible me up
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
