i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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