ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
