if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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