mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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