You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
