Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
