Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
