the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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