Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
