watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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