Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
