I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
