My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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