I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
