so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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